Reflections

2011 has been a rather fruitful year for me. Baby J is born, I attained MBA, bought a 3000cc BMW 125i coupe and hubby found a new job. On the other hand, my beloved Sai Baba passed away this year, so my wish of bringing my hubby and baby to see him in India will not be fulfilled. Nevertheless, HE will still be in my heart and life. I will continue to live my life following his teachings as much as I can.

While 2011 has been good for me, it has not been a very good year for many around the globe. The tsunami and radiation crisis in Japan, the earthquake in New Zealand, the floods in Philippines, Vietnam and Thailand...The company that I have been working in for the last 10 years has been badly affected too! The March tsunami destroyed one of our factories in Miyagi Prefecture and then the Thailand floods destroyed our factory in Navanakorn Industrial Park which is one of the most important oversea factories and threw our distribution and logistics into chaos. I was deployed to help evacuate all the stocks at our sales office's warehouse in Navanakorn right before the flood water entered the area and saved the company of approximately US$5,000,000 worth of stocks. The weeks after the evacuation of the stocks into Singapore were tough, my staff and I had to work really hard to stock them in as well as to deliver them to our customers. The efforts were all worth it though as I think our bonus for the year was unexpectedly good. We were, or rather I was expecting the company to pay only the minimum but it turned out good despite the losses the company made for the first time in its history in Singapore....So, 2011 ended really well for me.

Regrets...Hmm...let me see...that I could not lose all the pregnancy weight that I have gained in 2011? I am still weighing a hefty 61kg and my waist is 31 inches! But to be truly honest, I have not put in my best efforts really as I have not tried dieting which is too depressing for me. I have resorted to Cool Sculpting instead. I don't see any results yet as it has been just 2 weeks after the procedure...I should expect to see the effect in 1~2 months. By the way, although it was stated as a non-invasive and painless way to lose fats, it was rather painful for 1 week after the procedure! It was not exactly unbearable but it was definitely painful, not just discomfort! Anyway, I would rather bear with the pain than to diet...I may just do a 3~5 days of detoxifying diet though after Chinese New Year.
  

Baby J's first Christmas

Merry Christmas!

This year we celebrated baby J's first Christmas as well as our first Christmas at home since coming back from Hong Kong. We had so many presents under our Christmas tree! Not all of them for baby J though as my sister-in-law's children also brought their presents to put under our Christmas tree. So fun! It's their very first Christmas tree too! And baby J was the start of the party with his Santa costume!

Hubby was happiest as his brother and wife who were rare guests also made it for the party! We had such a feast! Look at our dining table! We had salmon sashimi, sushi platter, honey baked ham, BBQ pork ribs, roasted chicken, German sausages, mashed potatoes, marbled baby potatoes, a Vietnamese salad and Lasagna made by BIL and also an assortment of complimenting salads. Not to forget, we had sparkling rose wine for the adults and sparkling juices for the kids. We also had an ice cream logcake for desert and some coconut rum!

Our dining table full of food!



I would love to make this an annual affair and my family tradition. Now, I need a bigger house with a bigger living room for a bigger Christmas tree!!

Sentosa Holidays

It's the time of the year when I have absolutely no mood for work. My battery has literally depleted and I am just looking forward to staying at home, be with the family, lay around and have some good food. Well, we did just that last weekend, spending 3 days 2 nights at Sentosa. We stayed at the Amara Sanctuary and went to Universal Studio mainly. We would have done much more if not for the rain though, such as bringing baby J for his 1st swim and all...However, the rain didn't stop us from having some good food and riding on all the exciting rides.

The 1st day at Sentosa, we went walking around some parts of the island and played the Luge. It's our 3rd or 4th time playing the Luge? I think I'm done with the Luge for a long time...not as exciting as I remembered it before...On the 2nd day, we went to Universal Studio right after breakfast and rode the Transformers 1st. It was exciting, like we were really in the movie! Then the rain started pouring down...but it was a good thing as the queues for the rides at the Human and Cyclone disappeared. We went on the rides without having to queue at all! The Cyclone was a little too exciting for me...or was it the breakfast? I had to close my eyes a couple of times when it went upside down and twisting around...I almost threw up my breakfast! I'm really impressed! Just a couple of years ago, we had to go overseas for all these exciting rides and fun but now, we have all of them right here in Singapore! A weekend stay at Sentosa is as good as going overseas without the hassle of having to take the flight and all. Well, all the fun doesn't come cheap though. All in all, 3 days 2 nights for 6 adults and 1 baby cost me approximately S$2,500. How much will it cost to go to Bintan or Malaysia? Maybe our next option will be holidays in Malaysia?

Sunday walk at Botanic Garden



Baby J and the dogs @ Botanical Gardens



We finally bought the dogs for a walk at Botanical Gardens on Sunday afternoon together with baby J. It was a sunny day but with so many trees and so much greenery around, the heat was bearable. The dogs walked all the way from the main entrance to the National Orchid Garden and further in to where Au Jardin by Les Amis is. Baby J was enjoying the walk and taking in the atmosphere too.

Coffee was not quite himself since Saturday, I think he might have had a piece of jerky stuck in his throat or something and he couldn't get it out. Then after a walk in the garden and a vomit later, he seemed much better. I think the walk helped him to clear up. Then in the evening after a shower, he was back to his normal self again! I think the dogs need more long walks like this!

Long Vacation Dream

I am back in Hong Kong and I realize that I really miss Hong Kong's Autumn and Winter seasons. The weather is dry and cool, my hands and feet are not sweaty and I am in a good mood. If only Singapore can have some dry and cool season at some point of the year...it will then be the most perfect place to live in! But no, it has to be so humid and warm all year round!

It's a good season to be back here in HK, it's the season for hairy crabs and I had a feast of hairy crabs last night with W and his wife. They just came back from a 30+ days trip to the USA, travelled from the west coast to the east and even to Canada! How I wish I could do a trip like that! They showed me some of the photos they had taken and the scenery was amazing! Death Valley, the Grand Canyon, Napa Valley, Thousand Islands, New York, Ottawa, Miami's South Beach, the Key West, etc. They had some really delicious looking foods too! Envy! When will I ever have the chance to go for a long vacation like this? Dreaming...

I have never had a long vacation in my life so far. I have been so busy since Secondary School and my life has been so full of happenings, challenges, ups and downs. It's been an amazing journey but I am getting tired. Is age catching up with me? I need a vacation, a long vacation, to somewhere with lots of amazing scenery. I want to feel the awesomeness of the mother nature...Dream...

  

My philosophy

Things are getting more or less back to normalcy at work. The mess created by "unplanningly" evacuating all the stocks from our Thailand warehouse to Singapore warehouse has been cleared and finally we can have more free time to start our cycle count from tomorrow. I am also going home at the normal hour of 5~6pm from this week and I am planning to start my exercise regime...maybe next week. I am still struggling to lose weight which is exceptionally difficult this time round due to my age, I guess. And having a hubby who is skinny by nature and loves to go for buffet dinner once every week is definitely not helping at all...Can't blame him actually...I love food too...*sigh*

I thought it's quite a pity that Demi Moore is splitting up with Ashton Kutcher...I sort of used her marriage (older woman with younger man) as a role model for my own when I remarried again to someone almost 10 years younger a year after her. She is like the ultimate example for all the cougars out there! And she is so damn good looking! But he still cheated on her with a much younger woman...so who said age doesn't matter?

To be honest, I had my reservations and I had my doubts initially. But after being happily married for 5 years and knowing that my hubby at this very moment still loves me and treasures me is good enough for me. Not that it won't hurt or it won't matter to me if later on my hubby cheat on me or something. I mean men are men, it's proven that they will be more easily succumbed to infidelity than women. So, if they will cheat, they will cheat, it doesn't matter if your hubby is younger than you or much older than you. My philosophy is: I would rather marry a younger man and have him cheat on me than to marry an old man and have him cheat on me too. Get it? It will hurt anyway, so why not do without the additional unjustified feeling of having the much older husband cheat on you, right? At least this is how I see it.

Another thing, I can take it much better if my hubby cheat on me with someone entirely new than to cheat on me with his ex-girlfriend or someone he knows as a friend all along. Explanation: If my husband cheats on me with someone entirely new, at least I know that the time before he met this someone new, he was loving me truly and solely. I will treasure those memories and may or may not leave him, depending if the cheat was just a fling or not and if he is repentful and wants me back or something...But if he cheats on me with someone he knows all along or his ex-girlfriend, then how  can I trust that the time when he was with me, he wasn't thinking of her and loving her? So, those times when he was with me will not be worth remembering at all! And I will not forgive him...totally out of the question.

That is why, I am so fed up with N who likes this boy knowing that he is still not over his ex. This is plain stupid. But I guess every young, naive girl will have to go through this at least once in her life, get hurt, cry it out and then learn from it. But she doesn't know that as a mother, I get hurt as well when my daughter gets hurt...*sigh*

Success Redefined

I am preparing for the Japanese Language Proficiency N1 Level Exams by doing some mock exams questions daily with whatever little time I can squeeze out at work. Some of my staff were asking me why do I need to take this exam since I am already fluent in Japanese. I know I don't have to, but it will be good to have a the highest certification there is for a foreigner to attain. Technically, I already passed the JLPT 1 exams some 17 years ago but I didn't collect the cert. I was too busy running my own business and I didn't think that I will need the paper. Not that I need it now but I am just curious to find out how well will I do for the exams. It's not easy.

Traditionally, a successful woman is defined by the man she marries and the family she helps to raise. Now, there are 2 routes to success for women; the traditional one of marrying a successful man and becoming a tai-tai and the modern route of becoming a successful career/business woman on her own. I am the modern woman. My success is defined by the pay package I bring home at the end of the month and the title printed on my business card. However, I start to have a different view about my suceess lately. After giving birth to baby J and now that my 2 older children are 16 and 13, I am beginning to feel really proud of myself as a mother. D is in a good school and a good uniform group that brings him for volunteer work in Singapore as well as overseas. N has been admitted to Mass Communications in Ngee Ann Polytechnic and baby J is developing skills ahead of his age. Every little achievements that my children make are my achievements as well and I will be so proud.

Work-Life Balance

As I have mentioned in my previous post, we are constantly amazed by the outstanding physical developments of baby J. At 7 months, he's already starting to walk with a push walker, climbing up on sofas and also crawling very well on all surfaces. He's such a delight to watch and definitely brings a lot of joy to our family.

We have just celebrated mum's 69th birthday with a karaoke session at K Box in Kallang Leisurepark. She looked like she had enjoyed herself with all of us and her closest brother and niece around. Everybody sang along to some very retro songs and had lots of laughs when someone couldn't hit the high notes very well. It's a pity D doesn't sing but he enjoyed the buffet dinner, feasting on salmon sashimi until he got sick.

On work, I have been made really busy with the floods in Thailand destroying the company's factory and logistics hub in Navanakorn Industrial District. Just 2 weeks ago when I went there to help evacuate the warehouse, everything looked fine but we are in filthy waters of up to 2 metres since 19th Oct and the waters have not receded at all. All of the Thailand's warehouse stocks have been moved to Singapore and technically, we are operating 2 warehouses within our premise in Singapore. Space and manpower are 2 of the main constrains that we are having and not to mention the "ingenious" support we are getting from HQ...I am still struggling to get things organized 2 weeks in and I hope that by next week, everything can become smooth.

Hubby is is frustrated with his work just 1 month into his new job. Not so much the work actually but the people that are playing some political tricks that are making him really sick. He is on the verge of quitting...and getting really depressed. I am worried for his mental and physical health...he needs to be able to vent out his frustrations somewhere...maybe bowling will help? Or feasting? It will be N's sweet 16 birthday next week and we have another good reason to go feasting again!

Pleasantly surprised

I was pleasantly surprised by a SMS from my daughter today. She told me that she got back her prelims results and apparently she scored 14 points, 1 point better than what she had promised and we would have to get her that white iPhone 4 that she has been eyeing on. I really don't mind getting her the iPhone. She has surpasssed my expectations when she passed the interview for Direct Poly Admission and tentatively secured a place with Ngee Ann Polytechnic for a Diploma course on Mass Communications. I just hope that she will get at least a B3 for her English O levels exams which is the criteria for a confirmed admission. And then I hope that she will continue to surprise me by getting admitted to NUS later on after she graduates from Ngee Ann Poly. I will be a very proud mum. :)

Baby J playing with balls

I bought some DVDs for baby J to watch during the day when hubby and I are both at work. They are educational DVDs that suppose to help train babes' right and left brains. I have yet to view those DVDs myself but I believe that babies can be trained from a very young age and the right kind of brain stimulations will do wonders for their developments. I am kind of regretting that I have not spent much time and efforts on N and D when they were younger. Thank God they both turned out fine. Not that I will be joining the "kiasu" mama club but I think we should spend a little more efforts on baby J, especially when he's already quite a smart baby to start with. We are amazed by his physical developments everyday! 

Working on my body

Spa & Wellness Package at The Sentosa

I have just booked a spa package at The Sentosa this weekend with hubby. It's his 31st birthday and we are long overdue for a romantic getaway. The plan we had was for me to have baby J in March, use 12 weeks of my maternity leave for breast-feeding, bonding and taking care of baby, then use the rest of the 4 weeks for going on a trip and doing some reconstructive works on my body or something. In the end, I enjoyed breast-feeding baby J so much that I persisted on for 6 months even though I had to go back to work and even go on business trips. I cried when I finally stopped...it was almost impossible to keep the milk flowing with my work schedule and I was also loosing too much hair.

The hair fall is more or less controlled now that I have stopped breast-feeding for about a month but I am still overweight and having this huge post-pregnancy pooch. I need to do some reconstructive works on my body, especially on my tummy. Working out at Contour Express has not helped much mainly because I am not dieting and the fats on my tummy are too stubborn. But I have found this Cool Sculpting technology that may help me loose the fats fast! There are about 18 centers in Singapore that are providing this service and I am comtemplating which one to go to...Actually, other than my tummy, I would also like to get rid of my eyebags and maybe also enhance my breasts...I know, the list will never end...*sigh*
  

Exciting October!

October is going to be an exciting month for us. Hubby will be 31 and is embarking on his new job. I will finally be graduating with a MBA and fulfilling my longtime ambition. Mum will be 69 end of the month and N will be having her O levels examinations end month too! D is having his final term exams and baby J is learning to crawl with tummy off the ground and getting back into sitting position on his own. He's growing so fast! I miss him as a little baby!

Things are finally falling into places since relocating back to Singapore. My career is not really moving towards the direction that have been communicated to me though and I am getting impatient. I have been thinking if I should look for another job, one that will allow me to utilize the knowledge and skills acquired from my MBA course...One that will allow me to work with people of higher calibre instead some opinionated idiots whose only strong point is having been with the company since its incorporation.

There is another event that I am looking forward to this October and that is a fun bowl event organized by the Taiwan warehouse that I will be visiting next week. I am looking forward to bowling with all the staff there and building up better rapport with them. It will be my 1st time bowling without my personal coach! LOL

Counting my Blessings

Hubby has found a job at last and he is starting work from today. I am really relieved. I wasn't worried so much about the money but more for his emotional health as he was getting really depressed not receiving any replies from the many applications that he sent out. For several weeks, he was not even contacted for any interviews and then one fine day, he received 2 calls from 2 separate headhunters and he went for 2 job interviews in a week. Then both the jobs came back positive. Hubby chose the job that will presumably require less working hours and less time away from family. But of course the pay package is lower, we don't know exactly how much lower though. The other company is a Japanese company and will probably require him to put in much longer hours and also travel. Until last night we were still discussing if he had made the right choice....

How do we mortals know if we have made the right choice at each juncture of our lives anyway? Most of the time, we can only depend on that much information we have on hand and then just  go with our guts. I am excited for hubby. The CIO whom he will be reporting to seems to like him a lot and I hope that he will have better prospects here than with the other company which is Japanese and knowing Japanese, they will never entrust senior management posts to non-Japanese. And not to mention the number of working hours that the Japanese expect you to put in!! Anyway, we don't know for sure if this job that he has chosen is the right choice, we are just assuming and hoping that we are right. And we will never know, we will probably just look back a couple of years later of things don't move as we have hoped and then wonder to ourselves "what if...?" I have learnt not to look back but just move forward. What done cannot be undone, no point whining in self-pity. I have made many mistakes in my life and with my life, and I have had my share of miseries and hardships. But whatever I have been through is not even a fraction of what worse situations that many other people are facing. As you grow older and see more happenings around, you will learn to appreciate whatever you have and count your blessings.

I am counting my blessings and I am grateful for everything that I have and for everyday that I am alive. Nevertheless, I will continue to work hard and strive for a better life for myself and my family. It would be wonderful if all of us can move into a bigger house with enough rooms for everyone and also ample running space for the dogs. It would be wonderful if we can have the extra cash for one family trip and one romantic trip for hubby and I every year. That's the lifestyle I am working towards. Gambette!

Baby J is 200 days old!

I have weaned baby J off breast milk for more than 4 days now but I still miss the wonderful feeling of having him suckle at my breasts. So last night I tried to breast feed him again and he was very eager to latch on, smiling and kicking excitedly. My hearted melted and I was overwhelmed with love for that couple of minutes. If I had more milk, he would have suckled much longer but unfortunately, I couldn't get my milk flowing as before. I read somewhere that if I persisted and continue to let him suckle or take some supplements, I would probably be able to breast feed him again even though I have stopped for a week or more. But I have to start travelling overseas on business trips more frequently again and it would be really hard for me, especially when my breasts get painfully engorged. Baby J doesn't seem to mind taking formula milk anyway and he has started taking solids as well. He is enjoying all sorts of food being fed to him and he is growing up very fast.

Baby J has just passed his 200 days old mark mid-week and he is sitting up rather steadily by himself and also started crawling. He can flip and turn very fast when lying down and we really have to keep a close eye on him, especially when he is on the bed, sofa or the changing table. He is also giggling a lot and making everyone at home so happy, especially the old folks.

The overwhelming maternal love I have for baby J surprised even myself and I have to be careful not to show too much of it in front of my older children. N is still alright, but I think D is rather jealous of baby J. Perhaps it's because they are both boys and D is still young? Or perhaps he is just feeling insecure as baby J is his step-father's baby. I am not sure if he is doing it on purpose or he is just plain not interested in arts but I received a call from his art teacher yesterday complaining that he is very late in submitting 2 art projects. Hubby went to help him do his project and he seemed rather happy that we were there even though I was scolding him and criticising his CA results. I think we should have a good family time this weekend.

Random thoughts

The haze is back and I am having running nose and watery eyes again...or have I caught a cold? I really can't tell the difference but I am feeling terrible...Baby J is still waking up in the middle of the night (around 2am~3am) for feeds and I don't have enough breast milk to fill him up, so hubby has to wake up to make formula milk for him. After that baby J usually sleeps until 8am or 9am before fully waking up to begin his day. By that time, I will be at work but grandpa and grandma will be home attending to him and doting on him. Relocating back to Singapore for baby J is a good decision, no doubt about it. I just need to take control of my desires and ego. Be humble, be contented.

Sometimes, I wonder to myself if coming back to Singapore and staying with our extended family members is a good idea. I wonder how will it be like when it's just hubby, me and baby J. My friend V who is living in Germany with her hubby and 2 kids were telling me that she cannot imagine relocating back to Singapore where they will not be able to afford a big house like the one they are living in and the lifestyle that they are enjoying in Germany. I cannot imagine. Houses in Singapore are getting too expensive...We would have to sell off both our private apartments in exchange for 1 house and still have to deal with the fact that we will be staying further away from the city. But then again, how big is Singapore anyway? How far is far? I bet my friend V and her family have to deal with travelling further distances on a daily basis. And then, we have to convince my MIL to move, which is the most difficult task as she thinks that the apartment that we are living in has the best feng shui and all...Unlike most couples, we do not have the final say as to whether we move or not...Anyway, getting a house is not top priority for us at the moment, hubby getting a job to keep him occupied and sane is...So I am praying hard that he will get an offer soon.

House-viewing and wedding dinner

We went house-viewing over the weekend and we particularly liked one of the inter-terraces with 6 bedrooms which fit our needs and wants. The price is reasonable at this point of time too. The only problem is getting my MIL to agree to move there...Unlike most couples, hubby and I do not have the final say in whether we move house or not, we need to obtain agreements from our parents who are staying with us. The kids will just follow us but the old folks will have plenty of opinions. It's good to have dreams though.

I miss the days in HK when it was only just the 2 of us and the dogs. I miss the work environment in HK and I think it will be much easier for hubby to get a well-paying job in HK than here. But I have baby J now and it will be tough for us if we are still in HK...but then again, we will be able to bring him up entirely on our terms. There is really no best situation, is there? I guess we'll just need to balance off with occasional escapades to somewhere quiet and relaxing. A spa retreat at Bintan or Sentosa will be good enough for me.

And we went to hubby's cousin's wedding dinner on Saturday. It was the same old wedding dinner as the ones I have been to since I was a little girl and I really wonder why can't there be anything new? Oh well, it was nice to see MIL and ah pa so happy showing off baby J to relatives. And I notice that MIL takes every opportunity to take a family photo together, especially when big brother-in-law and his wife are around. Maybe we should all go to take a family portrait at some studio someday.

I need a bigger house

It's September already! And baby J is 6 months old! He's getting chubbier, cheekier and cuter by the day and I am really enjoying myself seeing him grow each day. And I would really love to be home with him more so that I can do all sorts of activities with him...

The aircon in our bedroom is spoilt, it is dripping water and it's too near to the bed...The aircon guy can't come to fix it until next Tuesday, which means we will have to either do without aircon or we'll have to put a pail underneath it to catch the water...Hubby has been having trouble sleeping since coming back and the aircon on his side of the bed dripping water and splashing onto him when turned on made it worse.

I think the problem is our bedroom. It is too small! Well, comparing to our bedroom back in Hong Kong, perhaps the present room is bigger, but we didn't have so many other people in our apartment as compared to now! It was basically just the 2 of us and our dogs. So, although our apartment was much smaller, we had much more space than we are having here. The math is simple, when we had just 600 sq.ft nett of space, there were only the 2 of us and 2 poodles. Now we have 1900 sq. ft. split into 2 units and we have 8 people (including baby J) and 2 poodles in our big family...Each of us has less tha 300 sq.ft. of space! We are not living better now, we are worse off and we need to make it better for us sooner...

Watched Sex and the City 2 (movie) on HBO last night and it made me want to have a walk-in wardrobe like Carrie's all over again. It would be a dream come true and it would be heaven! And yes, it's a "want" and not a "need". The point is, do I really need a big house with garden and all? For myself only? No. But for the whole family? Yes. Especially for the dogs, I need a space for them to run around in and yet won't disturb my MIL. I would love to have more space for baby J to play in, I would love to have dinner out in the garden when the evenings are cooler. Perhaps have a BBQ party once in awhile too? I would love that kind of lifestyle...Who wouldn't?

HK in 3 days 2 nights

I was back in HK for a 3-day business trip which turned out to be more of a shopping and feasting trip for me. Having been away for more than 6 months due to pregnancy and maternity leave, most of my "supplies" have run out and I need to replenish them. With the extremely low HKD and summer sale, it was extremely difficult to resist shopping and feasting!

On the first day, we had sushi at Sen Ryo, one of the finest conveyor-belt sushi in HK. 4 of us stuffed ourselves crazy on uni, botan ebi, negi-toro, amaebi & kani miso, salmon, scallops, etc. and the total bill came out to be just HK$900+ which was like less than S$150! Then I went shopping for my skincare supplies at Laneige, bought a new fragrance from Benefit and then went to meet Wing and his wife for desserts.

On day 2, my IT team and I had a lunch meeting with one of my supplier and he booked a Michelin ranked restaurant at Harbour City! It was a semi-buffet featuring "east meet west" cuisine and it was sumptuous! More shopping after work where I bought 2 pairs of shoes, coffee capsules for my coffee machine, supplements and tonic soup packs for mum. Then at night, I had another dinner date with several ex-colleagues who filled me in on some gossips.

Met up with "old man" on day 3 for lunch and showed him photos of baby J. He was all smiles when he looked at baby J's photos on the iPad and I wanted to give him a hug. He's more like a father to me than my real father who doesn't seem to be keen on meeting up with me at all...I have been worrying for the past couple of years that I may not be informed when something happens to "old man". He is afterall 70+ now...I guess he was thinking the same as he said that he regretted for not introducing his 2 children to us when we were still living in HK. I told him to arrange a meeting another time and I hope that by the end of this year, we will get to be properly introduced...

4 weeks on...

4th week back at work and I am more or less getting used to the routine, although waking up in the morning is still a struggle...I am still breast-feeding and baby J wakes up several times at night...Hubby has resorted to sleeping on the floor so that baby J and I can have the whole bed to ourselves. I feel kind of bad...since baby J's arrival, I am so overwhelmed by the motherly love that I am experiencing, I think I am neglecting my hubby. Initially, I had planned to just breast-feed for 3 months then go for a romantic holiday with hubby and get back in shape as soon as possible and quickly go back to my "normal" life. However, baby J is 4 months 3 weeks old now and I am still terribly stuck on him! Other than signing up with Contour Express for workouts in attempt to loose weight, I have not done any of those things that I have planned!

Post-pregnancy and post-confinement, I am still weighing at a massive 62.5kg and the worst thing is I am loosing a lot of hair! It's worrying to see so much hair fall out every time I shampoo and the top of my head getting quite scanty...Why must women suffer such consequences for bringing a precious life into this world? I think it is unfair! If only women can become healthier, slimmer and prettier in terms of better skin and more luscious hair for having babies!

Evaluation and Promotion

Had a meeting in the morning with the Admin Director regarding the evaluation of my staff for the annual increment and promotion exercise. She mentioned that I have not evaluated my staff according to the company's guideline and told me to re-evaluate them.

According to the guideline, I can only evaluate 5% A, 25% B+, 55% B, 10% B-and 5% C out of the 27 staff that I have. So that is to say, I can only have 1 grade A staff, 7 grade B+ staff, 15 grade B staff, 3 grade B- staff and 1 grade C staff! I asked what is this guideline based on and she said it's the company's policy and I will need to pick and choose among my staff the ones that really deserve A and B+ gradings...But what if I really 40% of my staff are above average and should be graded B+ according to performance? What if I really do not have any grade C worker? I think this guideline is really stupid. And apparently, double promotion is not recommended and neither should a staff be promoted yearly. A staff have to wait at least 2 years before his/her next promotion! How do we as department heads motivate our staff to perform? Most of the long-service staff knows about this policy and since the company do not terminate staff as well, most of the staff are just going through the motion at work. As long as they come to work on time and don't mess up their duties, they can be sure that they will be given the company's average yearly increment until the day they retire.

I have worked in this company for more than 9 years now but lucky for me, my promotions were not decided by this Admin Director. I have a boss whom I report directly in HQ and I made it to AGM in 3 years...but then again, I got this promotion because I was offered a job at another company and I resigned! So they retained me, seconded me to HK, made me the AGM of IT and Logsitics and of course doubled my salary. I did well in HK and if not for baby J and other family commitments, I don't think I would come back. I think hubby is thinking the same, especially now that he's lack of luck in his job search...

Back at work...

My 16 weeks of maternity leave have officially come to an end and I am back at work from last week. I am not unhappy about going back to work but I miss my baby...being with him 24/7 for the past 16 weeks and breast-feeding have made me a sucker for my baby. How I wish that I can stay home longer with my baby! Before baby J arrived, I was telling myself that I would only spend 3 months fully attending to him and then take the last 2~3 weeks to go for a holiday to rejuvenate myself and that I would wean him off after 3 months...However, I am still breast-feeding up till today and I even try to sneak home during lunch time to feed him!

Back at work, the first task that is presented to me is staff appraisal as well as appraising myself. I have to think of what I have achieved in the past year and give my boss reasons to appraise me better and perhaps promote me? I have afterall held this AGM title for the past 6 years with no GM above me...so I guess it's high time they change my title to GM? To be honest, title is not that important unless I am looking for another job and having the GM title in my CV will probably boost my next salary. Will I start looking for another job? Hmmm...I don't think so...unless I want to look for more challenge and more work that will need me to apply what I have learnt in my MBA course to my work. In this present company, I don't really have a chance to do apply what I have studied and my boss doesn't really care if I have MBA or not...which is kind of sad...

Hubby has started seriously looking for a job about a month or more ago and has yet to receive any offers which is quite demoralizing for him. Initially he had wanted to take a half year break, keep me company during my maternity leave, spend time with baby, watch him grow...Then now that I am back at work and he is still not employed sort of hurt his ego and he is beginning to doubt his decisions...thinking that he should have gone for a MBA instead of a MSc in IT Management. I understand his frustrations but am helpless as to how I can help. I can only try to encourage him and cheer him up. I believe that there are timings for everything and maybe it's just not the right time yet. The right job, the right package will come by eventually...Then his life will be perfect. It is now just 1 step away from perfect although it is a big step...

Baby J is 11 weeks old

My baby is 11 weeks old now and we are more or less settled into a daily routine where we will both start the day at 11am with me giving him a bath and then put him at his swing by the window while I grab myself a cup of coffee and some breakfast of mainly bread with pork floss or nutella. I will also read the papers briefly and also check my emails on my iPhone while I eat. By this time, baby J will already be making noise for attention and grandpa will entertain him while I finish up my breakfast, do the laundry, feed the dogs their vitamins, go to toilet, clean myself up and put on some makeup, etc...By 12:30pm, baby J and I will head up to grandma's place. At grandma's, I will have a light lunch of mainly bee hoon soup and some fruits while grandma plays with baby. Then it will be time for feeding and putting baby down for his afternoon nap...Then I will be free to do whatever, which is nothing much as I probably have only an hour...the rest of the afternoon is spent playing with baby J and attending to his needs.

This is the 11th week of my maternity leave and I really have not done much. Other than taking care of baby J, I am trying to watch my daily calories intake and exercise a little to help myself loose weight faster, I still have about 8 to 10 kgs more to loose before I consider myself back in my desired shape. I doubt I can loose all of that weight in the next 5 weeks when I am due to go back to work though...I am also worried about loosing hair as baby J approaches 3 months old which is common...

Will be going out with the girls and watching Wakin's concert at the indoor stadium this Saturday. It's a much looked forward break away from baby J for me and hopefully he will not make too much of a fuss for his grandpa and daddy...

Love is His Form

Went to the memorial service for Bhagawan Sri Sathay Sai Baba at the convention center of Singapore Polytechnic on May Day and paid my last respects to my beloved Baba. He has blessed and given me so much these past 12 years since I met Him that I really could not hold back my tears at the service. I know that He is omnipresent and although He has left His human form, He is still lives in our hearts and we should continue to live our lives as He has taught us. I don't really know why I always cry when I see Him, whether in person or in photo, I will always cry...I cry even thinking of Him...I remember when I first see Him in India, I just broke down and cry! And when I got the chance to actually meet Him in an interview, I cried even more! He told me that I have a monkey mind, very unstable, sometimes high and sometimes low, and He shook his head...then He said He will bless me...and He said "very happy"! I knelt down and kissed his feet, I wanted Him to forgive all my sins, that was what the other devotees were telling me...that if I have a chance to kiss His feet, that means I will be forgiven. So, I guess I have been forgiven...

The service was more of a tribute to Baba, they showed a documentary video of Baba's works which was really inspiring. It inspired hubby and he said that he would like to do some volunteer works. He is checking out what he can do. As for myself, I am trying to live my life with love everyday as what Baba has taught me. To try my best at everything I do, to do service to my family, to love my husband, to love my mother, to love my children, to speak softly and use gentle words, to never hurt anyone with my words or actions, etc. I have many responsibilities at hand and much discipline to practice. I need to make myself a better person in whatever capacity I am in, to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better mother, a better daughter-in-law, a better staff to my boss, a better boss to my subordinates, a better citizen to my country, a better friend to my friend, etc. I have so many roles to play and I need to play all of them better!

The Passions in My Life

It's mostly me and baby J this week at home as hubby is out attending a 4-day bowling coach seminar. Bowling is one of his biggest passion in life and he has always wanted to be eligible to teach kids bowling as a sideline. So, this is his first step towards his dream and I am happy that he is able to do something that he likes.

As for myself, I don't have any real passion in my life...I just try to be the best at whatever I happen to be doing at each point of my life. When I was in Primary School, I swam competitively and trained really hard to become the best in my school and 3rd nationally for the 50-metre freestyle event. Then in Secondary School, I achieved the highest rank there was to achieve in the National Police Cadet Corps (an uniformed youth organisation) and also attained all the various badges by my senior year. In Junior College, school became secondary as I became terribly busy with other things in my life. I started dating, so my boyfriend was the center of my life then. And I started working part-time and modelling. I was then obsessed in making money for buying myself branded stuffs and also enjoying the finer things in life such as dining at Japanese restaurants and wine-tasting. I was also very passionate about all things Japanese as I was learning the language. By the time I was in University, I was quite good at speaking the language, so I worked as a part-time tour guide to Japanese tourists in Singapore. After graduating, I attained license to guide professionally and also started my own agency.

My life became more complicated in adulthood. Made big money, lost most of it, fell inlove with the wrong man, got married, had 2 children, bought property at the wrong time...When my business went bust after 4 years, I started to work as an office worker mainly in Japanese companies. Thanks to my fluency in the Japanese language, I was able to climb the corporate ladder pretty fast in my present company. I have a stable income although it is not the kind of job I really like to do. I have a big family now. My husband, his mum and his uncle stays with me. My mum and my two children stay just 2 floors above. And I have a new born son who is at present my biggest passion.

6 weeks on...

Baby J is into his 7th week from today and everything is going well. He has given us his gorgeous smiles, coos, makes good eye contacts and also sleeping through slightly longer (3~4 hours). He is also getting more attached to me as the days go by which is worrying to me as I need to go back to work in 9 weeks. I just hope that he will grow out of this phase soon...physically, baby J has grown quite a bit. From being 3.6kg at birth and 53 cm in length, he is now 5.2kg now and measuring almost 60cm!

As for myself, I have lost 11kg so far but I still need to lose another 9kg at least to be able to get into my old clothes. Will I be able to lose 1kg per week from now? I doubt so.... I will need to seriously exercise and go on a strict diet for that but I am stuck with baby most of the time...I need to plan a schedule...I cannot afford to procrastinate any longer!

Breast-feeding and blogging

Baby J is going to be 4 weeks old soon and I am also into the 4th week of my maternity leave. I have not been away from work for so long since D's birth which was like 13 years ago and I feel like a 黄脸婆 as well as a tethered cow...baby J is feeding so frequently that I have decided that maybe he is not having enough from me, so I have started to supplement him with formula milk once or twice a day. The idea is to have him well-fed so that he can sleep for at least 2 to 3 hours before waking up for feeding. Sadly, I can't really say that it's working as he still cries for my breasts after he finishes the bottle...

Back to the topic of being away from work, I am feeling kind of lethargic actually...12 more weeks to go and I wonder if I will still be keen to go back to work by then! To be honest, I don't think that I am much needed at work...baby J needs me more than my work but I need the income...that's the cruel reality of life. When I go back to work, baby J will be taken care by the 2 old folks that stay with us and maybe occasionally by my mum who stays upstairs and also sis-in-law who stays a stone throw away. I am glad I have lots of help but I will still miss baby J when I go back to work...I have grown attached to him as much as he has grown attached to me...that's the problem with breast-feeding! By the way, I am breast-feeding now while I blog and that's one more level up on my multitasking skill. I was also playing "minna no golf 5" on the PS3 yesterday while breast-feeding!

Baby J has arrived!

To be honest, I had totally forgotten how painful labour and delivery was until I went through it again with baby J. It all started on the morning of 6th March, at around 6:45am, I woke up with some mild contractions, much like menstrual cramps. Thinking that it might be just Braxton Hicks, I got up to drink some water and went to pee. The pain went away after my pee, so I went back to sleep. But every 10 to 20 minutes, the cramps came back repeatedly. I tolerated with the pain until 9am before waking hubby up to go to the hospital. By that time, the whole house was awake and after some light breakfast, hubby and I drove off to hospital. We reached the hospital at 11am and the cramps was getting more intense.

11:30am, I was all settled in the delivery ward, bowels cleared, strapped up, having a milo and waiting for my gynecologist to arrive. The midwife checked me and announced that I was already 4cm dilated and asked if I wanted epidural. The pain was still very much bearable then and I could not imagine how much worse it would get, so I decided not having epidural. 10 minutes later, the midwife told me that my gynecologist wanted to put me on the drip to expedite the process and I was like "WHAT?!" I had actually wanted it to come naturally but it was not up to me anymore, was it?

Dr. Heng arrived at 12 noon, broke my water bag and announced that I was 6cm dilated. Then she jovially told hubby that I would have the baby in half an hour! The pain became excruciating after the water broke, I was totally out of control and I regretted not having epidural then. They offered me laughing gas but I remembered that it only made me feel nausea, so I rejected it. After another 2 rounds of intense contractions, they told me to try pushing. I tried, but I just couldn't get it right, the pain was just too overwhelming. I asked for pain relief but it was too late, baby was already coming out, I just need to push...which I had no strength for and so Dr Heng helped me with the vacuum.

12:39pm, baby J came out and I was so relieved to see him so perfect. The pain didn't subside like I remembered that it would... I was still having contractions, then Dr Heng pulled out my placenta. She also tried to help me expelled more blood clots by pressing my tummy with her hands and then she stitched me up. I could feel all these pains so clearly this time which I didn't feel before. In a way I was glad, I truly had it all natural this last time. It was a memory and experience that belonged to me alone.

The nurses and Dr Heng were claiming that baby J was strong and big. He weighed 3.58kg and was crying so loudly and kicking so strongly when being cleaned up by the nurse. J is our miracle baby, a miracle made possible with IVF and lots of blessings from God. When I tried to breast-feed J for the very first time, I was totally consumed by love. I lost all senses of pain. I was in bliss!

Then the pains of being a new mother all over again dawned on me 3 days later. My breasts were painfully engorged, my milk ducts were blocked and my nipples were sore. I couldn't express the milk, it was just too painful. I could only bear with the soreness of my nipples and continued to feed baby J. I fed him throughout the night, once every hour and resting only about half an hour between each feed. In the morning I felt better.

On the 4th day, we went back to the hospital to check baby J's blood for jaundice and got bad news an hour later from the pediatrician. J's jaundice level was borderline high, he could either get admitted to the hospital or we could do home phototherapy by renting the bed. We wouldn't bear to part with J of course, so we chose to do the phototherapy at home. The bed must be quite uncomfortable, we couldn't get J to sleep in the bed for a minute without him crying! We could only let him cry until he slept and even though, J slept in the bed for at most 5 hours in total for the 3 days that we rented the bed home. The 2nd blood test showed the same results, J's jaundice level didn't go down... Again the pediatrician ordered us to do phototherapy and so we rented the photo-light unit this time. It's a overhead light unit, so we could put J under it anyway convenient for us. I had to resort to going under the light with him! We were sure this time he had spent more time under the light and at the same time, I could feel that he was getting more milk from me. He pooped a whole lot more too! The third blood test showed good results, the jaundice level went down, we could stop phototherapy and no need to do further blood test. Thank God!

Baby J is going to be 2 weeks old now and I am also getting used to breast feeding him. That's my job for now.

Beginning of 39 weeks and still waiting...

Strike out 3rd March and also 4th March...Baby J is still not coming out yet. I have been having some mild contractions for the whole past week but it's just not happening yet. I am asking my friends to guess the birth date of baby J between 3rd ~ 8th March and the favorite dates chosen for him so far have been the 5th and the 8th. I personally would like to have him on the 5th but 8th seems more auspicious according to the Chinese calendars, so I really don't know. Whichever the date may be, I want him to come out healthy and strong.

I am feeling kind of stressed out and paranoid now, always conscious of baby J's movements...if he doesn't move as much as before, I am worried that he might be stressed inside...I have carried him so far, I really don't want anything to go wrong now! Hubby is kind of nervous too...he told me that he's worried about baby J having physical defects...our minds are playing tricks with us. Pray, pray, pray...have faith in God. He has blessed us with this baby and He will make him perfect. We just gotta have faith and wait for the time to arrive. I am really looking forward to holding baby J in my arms, nursing him and rocking him to sleep. I am getting overwhelmed with motherly love for my baby J. :)

I just found out that I will not be paid my full salary during my 16 weeks maternity leave. The government has set the salary cap at S$10,000 gross (including employer's CPF contribution). This is one of the factors that made the more highly educated and highly paid Singaporean women less willing to have babies? Could be...but I think there are many more reasons to it. To many people out there, they just don't see the point of having children which I can more or less relate to. Traditionally people have children so that there will be someone to look after them when they are old and fragile, someone to take over the farming, the business, etc. Having children was for sustainability. But now, I think parents are better off planning for themselves than to depend on their children. So what's the point of having children? I am contradicting myself...

@ 38 weeks and anytime now...

Baby J is weighing 3.222kg and his head is quite far down now. I have been feeling some mild contractions these few days and also pressure at my pelvis area. Dr. Heng said I should be delivering anytime now. May not hold until 8th March which we intended to induce delivery because it is supposed to be an auspicious date. Anyway, we'll just let baby J come greet the world at his own timing, it's his destiny.

While I am really looking forward to holding baby J in my arms, I think I am going to miss this feeling of him moving inside my tummy and being pregnant. This will be my last time being pregnant and I hope I can remember this feeling forever. I think life is amazing, how did something so microscopic becomes a baby weighing more than 3kgs in 9 months? Although I had my fair share of pregnancy difficulties such as heartburn, nausea and leg cramps, I think all will be worth it once baby J is born. Like Baba said, all difficulties will pass and after that blessings will follow. I have faith in that. Baby J is a blessing from God and I am truly grateful. I will have a chance to experience parenthood from the start all over again while my other 2 kids are teenagers now! While some may be put off by the idea, I am excited about it. I think it is a rare chance and I really want to treasure every moment of it. Baby J is going to grow up as fast as his older siblings and before I know it, I am going to miss him as a baby, as a toddler, as a child and as a teenager...

@36 weeks

It's a waiting game now...I am going to see the gynae again next week when I am 37 weeks and the we'll see how it goes...wait for it to naturally happen or just induce the birth on 5th March which is the 1st day of the 2nd Lunar month and it's suppose to be an auspicious day. Anyway, we'll see how it goes from next week.

I have put on so much weight that I feel like I am carrying 2 bags of rice each weighing 10kgs 24/7 everyday! I have put on 23 kg since the beginning of the IVF cycle which started in June 2010. My due date is estimated to be 16th March 2011 which is 4 weeks away but I have a feeling that I will have an earlier delivery...or rather I hope that I will have an earlier delivery say maybe 2 weeks later as I am really tired of being pregnant now...I am still having heartburns and I find it really difficult to get into a comfortable enough position for a good night sleep.

Anyway, I am taking it easy at work now, going in later and going off earlier than the stipulated working time at my company. I am grateful that I do not have a direct boss breathing down my neck everyday and I am definitely glad that I am given trust and freedom to do my job at my own pace.

@ 35 weeks

I am getting restless now...just 3 to 4 more weeks to go but I am getting too big for a comfortable sleep every night and the baby's movements are getting more painful for me as well. I am eager to get over with it but at the same time, I am apprehensive about having another baby to take care of...my MIL is going to be the main care-taker for this baby when I go back to work but I am not sure if I am totally comfortable with that. I am regretful for having my mum take care of my other older children, I wish I had spent more time with them when they were young and I am very sorry for not being there for them most of the time for the past 5.5 years when I was working in HK. I hope that I won't regret again this time!

Baby is doing fine in my womb, his head is big for his gestational age and yet his body is not big and his legs are not long too...I think it's in the genes of his daddy. Anyway, I think the earliest that I am going to deliver this baby will be 5th March, 11 days earlier than the calculated due date for him. I may either induce birth or I may just wait for it to happen, which ever way, I am thinking if I need to have epidural this time...I am not young anymore, I wonder if I can take the pain as well as I had the last 2 times when I was less than 30 years old. The needle for epidural is very scary and I really hope that there are other alternatives...something that doesn't involve needles will be best. Most of my friends have epidurals during their labour and they said it was a blessing...I might as well try it this time?

Things at work is boring without the travelling and I am still struggling to set targets for my unit and deciding on the jobscope for my assistant. My boss has more or less agreed to me having an assistant, especially during my maternity leave but I don't know what kind of jobscope to give him and what targets! I am struggling with my own jobscope as I don't have a clear direction from my boss...*sigh*. Maybe own time own target is good, but it will definitely be helpful if I can have some guidance. Anyway, I really got to seriously think about it soon...

Completed!

I have completed my MBA studies with the final exams and submission of the final capstone project over the weekend. I was totally exhausted after spending 16 hours on the final paper and the worst thing was I couldn't sleep after that! It was 5+am and I was having such terrible heartburn that I had to sit up the whole time in bed and even vomited gastric juice! I guess either I was too tired or I was too hungry...Anyway, it's all over now and I should get my results by mid-February. Then I will need to decide if I want to get the University of Melbourne transcript or the U21Global transcript...Oh well, will decide later.

Went for a checkup with the gynae and was told that the baby is quite big. In 3 weeks, baby has put on 700g and I am now in 33 weeks. I will see the gynae again in 2 weeks and we will see how fast this little fellow is growing inside me. I think he is in a hurry to come into this world to meet daddy and mummy and the rest of his family! He is so active! I did a calculation and decided that he should probably be induced in week 38 or early week 39 so that he won't get too big for me to handle. Anyway, I just pray for a smooth delivery to a healthy and strong baby!

A milestone year...

I am 40 years old now...birthday was yesterday. I think this year is quite significant to me, sort of like a milestone year for me...Accomplished many things that I have been wanting to do for so many years.

1. I am finally going to attain MBA! This life agenda has been kept away at the back of my mind for at least 15 years and thanks to hubby who found this online program which was perfect for me and thanks to the Singapore Chamber of Commerce in Hong Kong who sponsored 50% of my tuition fees, I am finally going to complete my studies by this coming weekend! It took me exactly 2.5 years!


2. Hubby and I are going to have a baby boy in March! It is not easy for me to have another baby as I am already ligated. The only option I have is to do IVF and with God's blessings, I got pregnant with the 1st trial! Om Sai Ram! Thank you, Baba!


3. Both hubby and I have settled back in Singapore after being away working in Hong Kong for the past 5.5 years. We are a complete family now with everyone dear to us under one roof!
   
4. Hubby bought me the Tiffany diamond ring that I have been eyeing for the past 3 years! We will be celebrating our 5th anniversary this year!

I guess this will also be a milestone year for hubby and the kids too. N will be taking her GCE 'O' Levels examinations, D is in Secondary School now and hubby has completed his masters and looking for a new job. Exciting year for all of us!

Just 1 more exams!

The results for CSR were out yesterday, another B+. Now I have just 1 more exams and a Capstone Project submission on the 3rd week of Jan and I am done with my MBA studies. Hooray! Can't wait for the time to come! At the meantime, I am really stressed out with the discussion board submission obligations and the final team assignment for Service Management.

N and D have started school this week as well and D seems particularly happy with being a Secondary School boy now. It's still orientation week for him and he's deciding which CCA to take. Will be going to the CCA recruitment fair with him this Saturday and hopefully he can decide by then... N is feeling the stress as this is her GCE 'O' levels year and she has a lot to catch up on her studies, especially Maths.

Anyway, I will be travelling one last time next week and hopefully will be able to rest well until my due date in March. There's so much to organise at home too! Still fretting about the place to put the baby cot...our room is really too small...all other bedrooms are occupied...where will he sleep when he grows up? Oh well, will fret about that later.

@ 30 weeks and weighing 72kg!

Yes, I have gained 17kg so far but baby is only 1.6kg. Hubby thinks that I will be 80kg by the time I am due to deliver and I truly hope that I won't! Why do I have to put on so much weight everytime? Am I eating too much? Maybe I should start counting what I eat everyday...

So, I had 2 soft-boiled eggs, 2 slices of kaya toast with butter and a quarter cup of coffee this morning. How much calories are there?

Anyway, other than the weight gain and the terrible heartburns that I am experiencing on a daily basis, the pregnancy has been fine so far. The baby's head is down now and in 10 weeks, I will be receiving this precious gift from God into this world. I hope that he will grow up to be someone useful to the society and that he will have a healthy and happy life. We have more or less decided that we will name this baby, Jayden which means "God has heard" or "Thankful" and I think that it is most appropriate as I have prayed hard for this boy and God has answered my prayers.