Love is His Form

Went to the memorial service for Bhagawan Sri Sathay Sai Baba at the convention center of Singapore Polytechnic on May Day and paid my last respects to my beloved Baba. He has blessed and given me so much these past 12 years since I met Him that I really could not hold back my tears at the service. I know that He is omnipresent and although He has left His human form, He is still lives in our hearts and we should continue to live our lives as He has taught us. I don't really know why I always cry when I see Him, whether in person or in photo, I will always cry...I cry even thinking of Him...I remember when I first see Him in India, I just broke down and cry! And when I got the chance to actually meet Him in an interview, I cried even more! He told me that I have a monkey mind, very unstable, sometimes high and sometimes low, and He shook his head...then He said He will bless me...and He said "very happy"! I knelt down and kissed his feet, I wanted Him to forgive all my sins, that was what the other devotees were telling me...that if I have a chance to kiss His feet, that means I will be forgiven. So, I guess I have been forgiven...

The service was more of a tribute to Baba, they showed a documentary video of Baba's works which was really inspiring. It inspired hubby and he said that he would like to do some volunteer works. He is checking out what he can do. As for myself, I am trying to live my life with love everyday as what Baba has taught me. To try my best at everything I do, to do service to my family, to love my husband, to love my mother, to love my children, to speak softly and use gentle words, to never hurt anyone with my words or actions, etc. I have many responsibilities at hand and much discipline to practice. I need to make myself a better person in whatever capacity I am in, to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better mother, a better daughter-in-law, a better staff to my boss, a better boss to my subordinates, a better citizen to my country, a better friend to my friend, etc. I have so many roles to play and I need to play all of them better!

The Passions in My Life

It's mostly me and baby J this week at home as hubby is out attending a 4-day bowling coach seminar. Bowling is one of his biggest passion in life and he has always wanted to be eligible to teach kids bowling as a sideline. So, this is his first step towards his dream and I am happy that he is able to do something that he likes.

As for myself, I don't have any real passion in my life...I just try to be the best at whatever I happen to be doing at each point of my life. When I was in Primary School, I swam competitively and trained really hard to become the best in my school and 3rd nationally for the 50-metre freestyle event. Then in Secondary School, I achieved the highest rank there was to achieve in the National Police Cadet Corps (an uniformed youth organisation) and also attained all the various badges by my senior year. In Junior College, school became secondary as I became terribly busy with other things in my life. I started dating, so my boyfriend was the center of my life then. And I started working part-time and modelling. I was then obsessed in making money for buying myself branded stuffs and also enjoying the finer things in life such as dining at Japanese restaurants and wine-tasting. I was also very passionate about all things Japanese as I was learning the language. By the time I was in University, I was quite good at speaking the language, so I worked as a part-time tour guide to Japanese tourists in Singapore. After graduating, I attained license to guide professionally and also started my own agency.

My life became more complicated in adulthood. Made big money, lost most of it, fell inlove with the wrong man, got married, had 2 children, bought property at the wrong time...When my business went bust after 4 years, I started to work as an office worker mainly in Japanese companies. Thanks to my fluency in the Japanese language, I was able to climb the corporate ladder pretty fast in my present company. I have a stable income although it is not the kind of job I really like to do. I have a big family now. My husband, his mum and his uncle stays with me. My mum and my two children stay just 2 floors above. And I have a new born son who is at present my biggest passion.

6 weeks on...

Baby J is into his 7th week from today and everything is going well. He has given us his gorgeous smiles, coos, makes good eye contacts and also sleeping through slightly longer (3~4 hours). He is also getting more attached to me as the days go by which is worrying to me as I need to go back to work in 9 weeks. I just hope that he will grow out of this phase soon...physically, baby J has grown quite a bit. From being 3.6kg at birth and 53 cm in length, he is now 5.2kg now and measuring almost 60cm!

As for myself, I have lost 11kg so far but I still need to lose another 9kg at least to be able to get into my old clothes. Will I be able to lose 1kg per week from now? I doubt so.... I will need to seriously exercise and go on a strict diet for that but I am stuck with baby most of the time...I need to plan a schedule...I cannot afford to procrastinate any longer!

Breast-feeding and blogging

Baby J is going to be 4 weeks old soon and I am also into the 4th week of my maternity leave. I have not been away from work for so long since D's birth which was like 13 years ago and I feel like a 黄脸婆 as well as a tethered cow...baby J is feeding so frequently that I have decided that maybe he is not having enough from me, so I have started to supplement him with formula milk once or twice a day. The idea is to have him well-fed so that he can sleep for at least 2 to 3 hours before waking up for feeding. Sadly, I can't really say that it's working as he still cries for my breasts after he finishes the bottle...

Back to the topic of being away from work, I am feeling kind of lethargic actually...12 more weeks to go and I wonder if I will still be keen to go back to work by then! To be honest, I don't think that I am much needed at work...baby J needs me more than my work but I need the income...that's the cruel reality of life. When I go back to work, baby J will be taken care by the 2 old folks that stay with us and maybe occasionally by my mum who stays upstairs and also sis-in-law who stays a stone throw away. I am glad I have lots of help but I will still miss baby J when I go back to work...I have grown attached to him as much as he has grown attached to me...that's the problem with breast-feeding! By the way, I am breast-feeding now while I blog and that's one more level up on my multitasking skill. I was also playing "minna no golf 5" on the PS3 yesterday while breast-feeding!

Baby J has arrived!

To be honest, I had totally forgotten how painful labour and delivery was until I went through it again with baby J. It all started on the morning of 6th March, at around 6:45am, I woke up with some mild contractions, much like menstrual cramps. Thinking that it might be just Braxton Hicks, I got up to drink some water and went to pee. The pain went away after my pee, so I went back to sleep. But every 10 to 20 minutes, the cramps came back repeatedly. I tolerated with the pain until 9am before waking hubby up to go to the hospital. By that time, the whole house was awake and after some light breakfast, hubby and I drove off to hospital. We reached the hospital at 11am and the cramps was getting more intense.

11:30am, I was all settled in the delivery ward, bowels cleared, strapped up, having a milo and waiting for my gynecologist to arrive. The midwife checked me and announced that I was already 4cm dilated and asked if I wanted epidural. The pain was still very much bearable then and I could not imagine how much worse it would get, so I decided not having epidural. 10 minutes later, the midwife told me that my gynecologist wanted to put me on the drip to expedite the process and I was like "WHAT?!" I had actually wanted it to come naturally but it was not up to me anymore, was it?

Dr. Heng arrived at 12 noon, broke my water bag and announced that I was 6cm dilated. Then she jovially told hubby that I would have the baby in half an hour! The pain became excruciating after the water broke, I was totally out of control and I regretted not having epidural then. They offered me laughing gas but I remembered that it only made me feel nausea, so I rejected it. After another 2 rounds of intense contractions, they told me to try pushing. I tried, but I just couldn't get it right, the pain was just too overwhelming. I asked for pain relief but it was too late, baby was already coming out, I just need to push...which I had no strength for and so Dr Heng helped me with the vacuum.

12:39pm, baby J came out and I was so relieved to see him so perfect. The pain didn't subside like I remembered that it would... I was still having contractions, then Dr Heng pulled out my placenta. She also tried to help me expelled more blood clots by pressing my tummy with her hands and then she stitched me up. I could feel all these pains so clearly this time which I didn't feel before. In a way I was glad, I truly had it all natural this last time. It was a memory and experience that belonged to me alone.

The nurses and Dr Heng were claiming that baby J was strong and big. He weighed 3.58kg and was crying so loudly and kicking so strongly when being cleaned up by the nurse. J is our miracle baby, a miracle made possible with IVF and lots of blessings from God. When I tried to breast-feed J for the very first time, I was totally consumed by love. I lost all senses of pain. I was in bliss!

Then the pains of being a new mother all over again dawned on me 3 days later. My breasts were painfully engorged, my milk ducts were blocked and my nipples were sore. I couldn't express the milk, it was just too painful. I could only bear with the soreness of my nipples and continued to feed baby J. I fed him throughout the night, once every hour and resting only about half an hour between each feed. In the morning I felt better.

On the 4th day, we went back to the hospital to check baby J's blood for jaundice and got bad news an hour later from the pediatrician. J's jaundice level was borderline high, he could either get admitted to the hospital or we could do home phototherapy by renting the bed. We wouldn't bear to part with J of course, so we chose to do the phototherapy at home. The bed must be quite uncomfortable, we couldn't get J to sleep in the bed for a minute without him crying! We could only let him cry until he slept and even though, J slept in the bed for at most 5 hours in total for the 3 days that we rented the bed home. The 2nd blood test showed the same results, J's jaundice level didn't go down... Again the pediatrician ordered us to do phototherapy and so we rented the photo-light unit this time. It's a overhead light unit, so we could put J under it anyway convenient for us. I had to resort to going under the light with him! We were sure this time he had spent more time under the light and at the same time, I could feel that he was getting more milk from me. He pooped a whole lot more too! The third blood test showed good results, the jaundice level went down, we could stop phototherapy and no need to do further blood test. Thank God!

Baby J is going to be 2 weeks old now and I am also getting used to breast feeding him. That's my job for now.

Beginning of 39 weeks and still waiting...

Strike out 3rd March and also 4th March...Baby J is still not coming out yet. I have been having some mild contractions for the whole past week but it's just not happening yet. I am asking my friends to guess the birth date of baby J between 3rd ~ 8th March and the favorite dates chosen for him so far have been the 5th and the 8th. I personally would like to have him on the 5th but 8th seems more auspicious according to the Chinese calendars, so I really don't know. Whichever the date may be, I want him to come out healthy and strong.

I am feeling kind of stressed out and paranoid now, always conscious of baby J's movements...if he doesn't move as much as before, I am worried that he might be stressed inside...I have carried him so far, I really don't want anything to go wrong now! Hubby is kind of nervous too...he told me that he's worried about baby J having physical defects...our minds are playing tricks with us. Pray, pray, pray...have faith in God. He has blessed us with this baby and He will make him perfect. We just gotta have faith and wait for the time to arrive. I am really looking forward to holding baby J in my arms, nursing him and rocking him to sleep. I am getting overwhelmed with motherly love for my baby J. :)

I just found out that I will not be paid my full salary during my 16 weeks maternity leave. The government has set the salary cap at S$10,000 gross (including employer's CPF contribution). This is one of the factors that made the more highly educated and highly paid Singaporean women less willing to have babies? Could be...but I think there are many more reasons to it. To many people out there, they just don't see the point of having children which I can more or less relate to. Traditionally people have children so that there will be someone to look after them when they are old and fragile, someone to take over the farming, the business, etc. Having children was for sustainability. But now, I think parents are better off planning for themselves than to depend on their children. So what's the point of having children? I am contradicting myself...

@ 38 weeks and anytime now...

Baby J is weighing 3.222kg and his head is quite far down now. I have been feeling some mild contractions these few days and also pressure at my pelvis area. Dr. Heng said I should be delivering anytime now. May not hold until 8th March which we intended to induce delivery because it is supposed to be an auspicious date. Anyway, we'll just let baby J come greet the world at his own timing, it's his destiny.

While I am really looking forward to holding baby J in my arms, I think I am going to miss this feeling of him moving inside my tummy and being pregnant. This will be my last time being pregnant and I hope I can remember this feeling forever. I think life is amazing, how did something so microscopic becomes a baby weighing more than 3kgs in 9 months? Although I had my fair share of pregnancy difficulties such as heartburn, nausea and leg cramps, I think all will be worth it once baby J is born. Like Baba said, all difficulties will pass and after that blessings will follow. I have faith in that. Baby J is a blessing from God and I am truly grateful. I will have a chance to experience parenthood from the start all over again while my other 2 kids are teenagers now! While some may be put off by the idea, I am excited about it. I think it is a rare chance and I really want to treasure every moment of it. Baby J is going to grow up as fast as his older siblings and before I know it, I am going to miss him as a baby, as a toddler, as a child and as a teenager...