Death

The destination for everyone is the same...DEATH but everyone's journey is different. Some people reach their destination sooner, some reach later, some people enjoy their journeys but some suffer throughout their journeys, some people have exciting journeys and some may have boring journeys, but eventually everyone will reach the same destination. Why am I writing all this? Well, there is a death in my extended family. My MIL's brother had just passed away on Tuesday in hospital after suffering from a stroke a week ago, fell into a coma and being pronounced brain-dead. They decided to take off his life support system and let him go yesterday afternoon. He was only 64 years old and just retired from work a year ago, leaving behind his wife, a daughter, son-in-law and a son. No grandchild yet.

We went to the wake last night and his wife came over, greeted us and fell into my arms for comfort. We were never this close to be hugging like that! But I think she needed all the comfort she could get from everyone, so I hugged her, sharing her sorrows and my eyes swelled up. Her eyes were swelling up too but  my MIL told her not to be so sad, let him go with a peace of mind so that he will have a smooth journey into the ether world. I have heard of advises like these in every wake I have attended and I always think to myself, how can one not be sad and cry when one's dearest pass away?  The wake is just 3 to 7 days when all friends and relatives will be coming over to give their condolences. They will sit around, chit-chat, eat, drink and some even play mahjong until late in the night. The family of the deceased as hosts will need to attend to their friends and relatives,  participate in prayers and rituals led by the priests throughout the duration of the wake. They are usually being kept busy and probably won't have much time and energy to dwell on the fact that their dearest have passed away and cry over it. However, after all these activities are over and when all their friends and relatives have gone home, what will become of them? Won't the loss be suddenly so obvious and the sadness be even more overwhelming?

Every time I attend a funeral or hear of someone's passing, I can't help but think of how will I feel when it's my mother's turn and what will become of me. It's not happening any time soon but the thought of it is already bringing tears to my eyes...How can I not cry when it really happen? How is it possible to alleviate the sorrow? How will anybody else know the sorrow that one feels when one loses his/her dearest? How can they be consoled? A loss is a loss and life will never be the same again...The thought of death terrifies me, not of my own but of anyone dear to me...I wish I never have to experience such grief.

My Little "Monkey"

Tree-Climbing Monkey

We have come to the 3rd quarter of the year and my baby J is a full-fledge 18-month old toddler now! Time really flies no matter you are having fun or not! Family time with baby J has been great, especially during weekends when we bring him for his enrichment class on Saturdays and other outings on Sundays. He is happiest when he's out and running about. We brought him together to walk the dogs at East Coast Park last Sunday and he was particularly fascinated with the tree trunks! He was also walking on the sand, picking up little cones and throwing them towards the sea. Too bad the water was too dirty, I would love to bring him for a dip in the sea! Maybe we should plan a family holiday at the beach or something soon! 

My Market Value

I am checking out my market value recently in the job market. I am looking for an opportunity to change my present job. I have setup an Linkin account, wrote my CV and even sent out a few applications. Till date, only one company came back asking me if I am interested to have an interview with the hiring managers if they can at best match my present remuneration. "Hell YES!" I am desperate for a change of job! I am totally sick of my job! I want a change! Or do I? The problem with change is that there are so many uncertainties and so many risks involved. Can I afford to lose my present income? Am I up for new challenges that will take away more family time, more brain cells, more hair and give me back more wrinkles and blurry eyes instead? I really cannot give an affirmative answer...

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

Actually what I love to do most is to be with my baby J, play with him, teach him new tricks, snuggle up beside him and sleep with him. If I can do that everyday, that will be just wonderful! But then, I want to have a fulfilling job as well, one that not only pays well but also let me have a sense of accomplishment and also expose me to new challenges and let me acquire new knowledge/skills, etc. Sadly, my present job doesn't do that for me any more. It pays me quite well but I do not learn much from the job, I have already progressed much ahead of it, or so I think. Anyway, I went to see a recruitment consultant and she said that to be honest, many employers do not like to see candidates with more than 10 years in a company because they tend to think that these candidates will not be easily adaptable and do not have enough exposure and experience to bring to their companies, which I agree totally. My company is not using SAP or Oracle or any of the common WMS that most companies are using, we developed an ERP system in-house, we are unique, we do not outsource as well...so the skills that I acquired here will not apply to other companies out there! And the longer I stay here, my market value will depreciate further!

What I love about my hubby...

We were watching "Just Go With It" last night on HBO and I particularly like the part when the two main casts, Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston were asked to say the things that they love about each other. It was so romantic! I asked my hubby immediately if he can say things like that when asked the same, he thought for a moment, chuckled and leaned over to give me a kiss on my face. Nope, he couldn't. And I started to wonder to myself..."What about me?" So I decided that I shall start thinking seriously all the things, small and big that I love about my hubby and start putting them down!

1) I love the way he looks and smells.  

2) I love his panda eyes and how our son resembles him.

3) I love that we can talk about anything and everything unpretentiously.

4) I love that I always know what he was going to say before he said it and he will be like "Damn!  How did you do that?!"

5) I love that he accepts me as who I am and never try to change me.

6) I love that he will wake up in the middle of the night, kiss me, fondle me and then goes back to sleep and not remembering any of that the next morning!

7) I love that he can always point out my mistakes at bowling but then when I bowl well, he doesn't take the credit but just jokes "that's not my wife!" 

8) I love that out of the blue he will have some crazy cravings for some foods so randomly.

9) I love that he is always so amazed or proud of his crap literally.

10) I love his sense of humour and jokes, never fail to make me laugh or roll my eyes.

11) I love to run my hands through his thick hair and loose my fingers in them.

12) I love that he doesn't snore when he sleeps.

13) I love how he cried when his pet lobster died. He hadn't even dare pick that little fellow up once with his bare hands when it was alive! LOL!

14) I love how he also loves dogs like I do and how he had chosen Coffee.

15) I love the way he speaks Cantonese.

16) I love how he can make old folks like him.

17) I love how he is such a buddy with D, especially when it comes to eating all kinds of junk foods together.

18) I love that we MSN each other everyday while at work.

And the list will go on...but most important of all, I love the way he makes me feel...like I can be a better person as long as he is with me. 

Dilemma of a mother

With my baby growing up so fast and me being stuck in a job with no prospects and job satisfaction, I am in a dilemma  again as to whether I should go out and look for another job with better prospects and pay or should I just stay put and try to spend more time with my baby... It's never easy being a mother, especially a working mother. I admire so many of my friends who have the same educational background as me or even higher and yet they chose to stay home after becoming a mother. Honestly, I have never been a good mother in that sense, I have not stayed home for both my elder children and left all the mothering duties to my mother who has been a homemaker most of her life. A small part of me regrets not spending enough time with both of them but I know that I can never be the stay-at-home mum. And I am not that type of mother who is overly concern about my children's academic results. I just want them to grow up healthy and do whatever their interests lead them. Thank God that even though I have not always been there for both of them, they both grow up relatively well.

Ever since I became mother again to baby J, I have been contemplating about the option of staying at home more and taking care of baby J by myself. My mum is getting too old to take care of another grand kid full time, my MIL is helping me take care of J but she is not entirely happy doing it as she is also not the homely type. She wants to run her own business, so she has been urging me to send J to the childcare. And so I started looking around for a good childcare for J but most of the childcare centers around my place is full! I have to put J on the wait list! And I thought the government says that we are not having enough babies? They are not providing enough childcare centers! Anyway, after web-shopping around for preschool/childcare for J, I realized that some of the prestigious ones can cost up to $18,000/year! That's as expensive as going to University! I wonder what they teach the children? How are they different from the others?

Where did my baby go?

My baby is 16 months old now, no longer a baby but a toddler full of curiosity and energy to explore the world around him. I, on the other hand, am still fat and desperate to lose all those pregnancy fats that I have accumulated around my tummy, hips and thighs. Instead of going under the knife, I have opt to go for cool sculpting and diet pills. It's been 2 weeks since I went for the cool sculpting treatment and I think I can feel some results...or at least I hoped...Anyway, give it another 2~3 weeks, I should get the final look of my tummy.

I have been shopping around for some enrichment programs for baby J to go to together with me or hubby over the weekends and so far we have been to two that I think is quite good. One is Growing Up Gifted at Mountbatten and another is Wee Care at the Polliwogs where the playground is huge. Both have very interesting and stimulating programs for toddlers to participate in with parents but I think we are going to register J at Growing Up Gifted because the timing is better for us and they offer bilingual classes.

Baby J having fun at the water park!

On Sunday, we took J to the water park at the rooftop of 112 Katong again. He was running around the park giggling and screaming, playing with the water and getting himself all wet. Water parks like these are so much fun for kids especially with the weather being so hot and humid in Singapore. Seeing him running around really made me wonder where did my baby go?  

Couple fights

My hubby has a terrible temper, not that I have a very good temper but I think he's worse. The main reason for his bad temper I think is because of this pain in his neck that has been bothering him for quite some time, no I mean really a pain in his neck as in physically. And the stress he is facing at work now is not helping at all. On Sunday he raised his voice at me for not preventing baby J from going near the maid who was ironing clothes in the living room of my mum's place. I gave him a stare and told him to shut up under my breathe as I didn't want others in the house to hear me. He stormed straight out of the house, throwing the piece of bread that he was eating on the floor outside the door and toppling my mum's plants. My mum was shocked as she didn't hear us argue or anything and asked what was wrong. I told her it was nothing, went on finishing up my breakfast and helped to washed up. I was kind of surprised that I was able to keep my cool, I guess I have really mellowed with age, either that or I am just miraculously being especially accommodating to him. Whatever it was, I am happy with the outcome as this kind of quarrel won't be good for our relationship. Anyway, even though we did not quarrel, we had "made-up sex" that night and it was good. Despite experts' views that couple quarrels are actually good for relationships, I think that it's best not to quarrel. Quarrels are damaging to relationships because those nasty things being said during fights will stay forever...Instead, couples should learn to trust that your other half is really having a bad time and learn not to bother about him/her for not being sweet and nice sometimes.

We have been married for 6 years now and honestly I cannot recall any major quarrels or arguments we had  other than about work as we used to work together. Now that we don't work together, there is really nothing to argue about anymore. By September this year, we would have been together for 8 years and although our lives are not perfect in terms of our individual work lives and our living environment, we are happy that we have each other and baby J. Happiness is a state of mind I think and there will always be things that we would like to improve in our lives but we should also learn to be contented with whatever we have.