My Dream

I know what is my dream. My dream is to be able to throw in a resignation letter to my boss who for the past 8 years has never given me a clear direction as to where I am heading in this company and what is my job scope, what are my responsibilities and what kind of authority do I have. I am just a firefighter, deploy to wherever there is a problem and solve it. Then wait for another problem to arise somewhere else and then go there to solve it. 

For the past 2.5 years after my return from my secondment to HK, I have been given an ambiguous post of looking after 6 warehouse operations in Asia. Each warehouse operation is under each country's head and organizationally the staff in the warehouses are under their respective country head. That is to say, they do not report to me and neither have I any authority over any of them. I am just a consultant, but if any of the operations cock up, I will be blamed for not managing the operations well enough. In October 2011, I was sent to Thailand to evacuate our stocks due to the floods and move the whole operations to Singapore. Thereafter I run the operations of 2 warehouses in one premise for 6 months. After the floods cleared up, I was again sent to Thailand to find them a good warehouse for relocating the operations back. Then in July 2012, I was sent to Taiwan for their warehouse removal project. In December 2012, I was again back in Taiwan to bid farewell to the warehouse manager who was being forced to retire early and have all his duties handover to the next guy. 

February 2013 ~ May 2013, I was mostly occupied with some personnel issues in Shanghai and I do not know what else or where else will need me next. Maybe HK, for the new system implementation....again something that I have to be responsible for smooth transition but have absolutely no control or say over the system. I can only request them to do thorough system testing using various scenarios and hope that I have covered as much sh*t as possible before we actually start using the new system. 

Then today, there was this very urgent situation, line down situation in Thailand and they need to send some stocks from Singapore to Thailand using the fastest possible way. The manager in HQ Japan whom I had worked with in HK called me on my handphone and asked if I know of this case, I told no, not yet. Then minutes after that I received an email from Thailand copied to me but attentioned to the Business Operations Support manager asking him to help expedite the delivery. Knowing that he has absolutely no way to help this situation, I have to come in and made all the arrangements over at my end. So, why do we need him for? 

My dream is to be able to throw in a resignation letter and leave this company soon... 

Chasing Dreams

Went to my ex-secondary school friend's first book launch on last week at the National Library. Am so happy for her having her dream comes true although I didn't know that writing children's books was her passion...She has always been the brainy one among my old school friends, having been awarded an EDB Scholarship to study Chemistry at Imperial College London and attaining a PhD as well. She has been staying in the UK with her husband and 3 girls until about 3 years ago when her husband found a job in Singapore. She has been more or less a housewife since the birth of their 3rd child as it is not easy to get domestic helper in the UK. So she has time to pursue her dreams now that even her youngest child is away at school most of the day now. 

"The Magic Mixer" won her the rights to publish with the Strait Times Press. It was one of the five winning entries for Beyond Words 2011, an initiative by National Arts Council to encourage high quality literature. I am not sure how many entries were there but I am impressed that she won and she will receive royalty with every sale of her book. Although we all know that books don't sell very well in Singapore as Singaporeans are not that into books as compared to other nationals.

Anyway, this event set me thinking..."What is my dream and how can I pursue it?". Hmm...

When there's a will, there's a way

So much have happened the past 1 month, I do not even know where to begin! Less than 10 days of moving into our newly rented apartment, I said "goodbye" to my BMW 125i sports coupe. I have more or less gotten over the sadness of losing a damn good car. It was my very first sports car and it was so powerful and such a pleasure to drive. I am glad we did drive it to Johor once last year and had a good run. Also gone with it was the license plate that had graced all of my past cars in Singapore for the last 15 years...Oh well, as much as I hate to part with it, I think it is for the better. Having 2 cars is too much a luxury for us.

Then we booked us a 5 bedroom apartment at Q Bay Residences in Tampines! The layout was right, the price was right, the location so-so and the timing was quite bad actually as we now have to figure out quickly how to get the whooping amount to pay for it within 8 weeks. It was by chance that we found out about Q Bay. We were on our way to fun-bowl at Tampines Safra and we saw this banner and went in. The indicative price was around $950~$1000 psf which is affordable but the amount in stamp duties after the latest "cooling off" measures is really hard to swallow. Anyway, I figured that we cannot rent forever, so we have to buy something somehow and the longer we wait, the more expensive it is going to get. The population is projected to be 6.9 million by 2030! And I definitely do not see the size of my family getting smaller any time soon, in fact, it will only get bigger as baby J will eventually want his own room.

We spoke to a banker and she recommend that we can take a term loan with our 2 properties to tie us through and we breathed a sigh of relieve. The government's "cooling off" measures are not making it easy for us...10% additional buyer stamp duty, 40% loan and God knows what else! But whatever it is, we still have to do it. I am totally consumed by the idea and I think I am going to go for it no matter what. It is OK to not have a car but I think it is definitely unacceptable not having a nice house with a good master bedroom. I want a master bedroom with a walk-in wardrobe and a bath tub. I want my house to have a good size balcony. And indeed, when there is a will, there will be a way. Our term loans have been approved! Now, I do not need to sell one of my apartment so hurriedly and lose all negotiation powers. I figured that if we can hold on for a couple of years, the price will definitely move up further! Now, I really need to find a tenant soon!

Starting a new life at 42

It's been a long time since I sat down and write about my feelings and thoughts...I have been thinking a lot...Am I happier relocating back to Singapore than when I was in Hong Kong? Many people asked me this question when I first came back in Oct 2010 and I said yes readily, but the "honeymoon" period is over. I am not so happy about being in Singapore any more..there are these little things that add up to me being unhappy back here. Not that I am dissatisfied with the government or how things work here, but I really do not like the hot and humid weather which makes me sweaty most of the time. I have a serious case of sweaty hands and feet but the problem is much alleviated when I am overseas. Sweaty hands and feet inconvenience me in many ways that makes me frustrated. And I do not like the way I am being treated at my job over here. Then there is this unhappiness about my house which doesn't look like it belongs to me, I have no space of my own except for the master bedroom and it is such a small room, barely 150 sq ft...

When we decided that it's time to relocate back to Singapore due to my pregnancy and being away for more than 5 years from family, I envisioned that I would be happier, being able to see my children everyday, having a much bigger space than the 2 apartments hubby and I had stayed in Hong Kong, being able to have my dogs run around the house, having better air quality, better tax rebates, etc. I was quite apprehensive about having to stay with my MIL and true enough, it is not easy...especially when she thinks that the whole house belong to her and she can put whatever she wants in the house. I hate all the things that she brings into the house, all the statues and idols of various Gods, all the talismans, etc. I can accept that there is one alter for praying, my mum has one too but I really cannot accept having all these talismans decorated from outside to the inside of the house. And every wall and every cabinets are filled with her religious paraphernalia. And that's not all, she is afraid of dogs, especially small, furry dogs like mine and so I have to keep my dogs locked inside the toilet of my room everyday, letting them out to run about only when she is not at home. Such poor things, right?

Well, all that I mentioned above is not the real issue that is pushing me over the edge. It's the way she is taking care of my baby that is really unacceptable by me. She feeds him instant foodstuff such as instant cereal, bottled/packaged fruit juice, all sorts of processed foods but not fresh food! Even the fish she cooks for him are frozen and cooked using the microwave! And everyday I come home, my baby is stinky and dirty...he even developed nappy rash because she didn't realized that he has pooped and didn't change his diaper for quite awhile. I get it that she really doesn't like taking care of baby, so we thought that the best solution is to get a maid to help out with the housework and cooking while my mum can help to take care of baby. And in order to do that, we all have to move into one big household, preferably one house big enough so that everyone will have their own space and the dogs can run around somewhere like a backyard or a roof terrace or something. And D would really like to have a proper room, even a room in the basement will make him happier. We almost found the perfect house within our budget but the problem is, my MIL won't move! She said she doesn't want to stay with my mum, she thinks that my mum is too fussy. And she said that we are praying to different Gods...So she told me to go ahead and move out while she and uncle will stay...

And so we have! On the last day of 2012, we all moved out and started 2013 on a very good note. I now have a maid to help out with the household chores, my dogs have a new home on the big balcony, D has a proper room and we finally have a king size bed! Life is definitely better in the house but there are some sacrifices...I have to give up one car and really watch my spending. Anyway, this is not a permanent home yet, we still have to continue our search...

I will be turning 42 next week and it feels like I am starting all over again...I wonder when will I ever be able to really settle down?

Death

The destination for everyone is the same...DEATH but everyone's journey is different. Some people reach their destination sooner, some reach later, some people enjoy their journeys but some suffer throughout their journeys, some people have exciting journeys and some may have boring journeys, but eventually everyone will reach the same destination. Why am I writing all this? Well, there is a death in my extended family. My MIL's brother had just passed away on Tuesday in hospital after suffering from a stroke a week ago, fell into a coma and being pronounced brain-dead. They decided to take off his life support system and let him go yesterday afternoon. He was only 64 years old and just retired from work a year ago, leaving behind his wife, a daughter, son-in-law and a son. No grandchild yet.

We went to the wake last night and his wife came over, greeted us and fell into my arms for comfort. We were never this close to be hugging like that! But I think she needed all the comfort she could get from everyone, so I hugged her, sharing her sorrows and my eyes swelled up. Her eyes were swelling up too but  my MIL told her not to be so sad, let him go with a peace of mind so that he will have a smooth journey into the ether world. I have heard of advises like these in every wake I have attended and I always think to myself, how can one not be sad and cry when one's dearest pass away?  The wake is just 3 to 7 days when all friends and relatives will be coming over to give their condolences. They will sit around, chit-chat, eat, drink and some even play mahjong until late in the night. The family of the deceased as hosts will need to attend to their friends and relatives,  participate in prayers and rituals led by the priests throughout the duration of the wake. They are usually being kept busy and probably won't have much time and energy to dwell on the fact that their dearest have passed away and cry over it. However, after all these activities are over and when all their friends and relatives have gone home, what will become of them? Won't the loss be suddenly so obvious and the sadness be even more overwhelming?

Every time I attend a funeral or hear of someone's passing, I can't help but think of how will I feel when it's my mother's turn and what will become of me. It's not happening any time soon but the thought of it is already bringing tears to my eyes...How can I not cry when it really happen? How is it possible to alleviate the sorrow? How will anybody else know the sorrow that one feels when one loses his/her dearest? How can they be consoled? A loss is a loss and life will never be the same again...The thought of death terrifies me, not of my own but of anyone dear to me...I wish I never have to experience such grief.

My Little "Monkey"

Tree-Climbing Monkey

We have come to the 3rd quarter of the year and my baby J is a full-fledge 18-month old toddler now! Time really flies no matter you are having fun or not! Family time with baby J has been great, especially during weekends when we bring him for his enrichment class on Saturdays and other outings on Sundays. He is happiest when he's out and running about. We brought him together to walk the dogs at East Coast Park last Sunday and he was particularly fascinated with the tree trunks! He was also walking on the sand, picking up little cones and throwing them towards the sea. Too bad the water was too dirty, I would love to bring him for a dip in the sea! Maybe we should plan a family holiday at the beach or something soon! 

My Market Value

I am checking out my market value recently in the job market. I am looking for an opportunity to change my present job. I have setup an Linkin account, wrote my CV and even sent out a few applications. Till date, only one company came back asking me if I am interested to have an interview with the hiring managers if they can at best match my present remuneration. "Hell YES!" I am desperate for a change of job! I am totally sick of my job! I want a change! Or do I? The problem with change is that there are so many uncertainties and so many risks involved. Can I afford to lose my present income? Am I up for new challenges that will take away more family time, more brain cells, more hair and give me back more wrinkles and blurry eyes instead? I really cannot give an affirmative answer...

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

Actually what I love to do most is to be with my baby J, play with him, teach him new tricks, snuggle up beside him and sleep with him. If I can do that everyday, that will be just wonderful! But then, I want to have a fulfilling job as well, one that not only pays well but also let me have a sense of accomplishment and also expose me to new challenges and let me acquire new knowledge/skills, etc. Sadly, my present job doesn't do that for me any more. It pays me quite well but I do not learn much from the job, I have already progressed much ahead of it, or so I think. Anyway, I went to see a recruitment consultant and she said that to be honest, many employers do not like to see candidates with more than 10 years in a company because they tend to think that these candidates will not be easily adaptable and do not have enough exposure and experience to bring to their companies, which I agree totally. My company is not using SAP or Oracle or any of the common WMS that most companies are using, we developed an ERP system in-house, we are unique, we do not outsource as well...so the skills that I acquired here will not apply to other companies out there! And the longer I stay here, my market value will depreciate further!